Finding Joy

Goodness, so much to say and yet not. Living but not story telling living. The basics and it is good. But extraordinarily ordinary too.

I don’t know where I am. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t know if I am on the right track. My path has not yet lit up in lights saying “This way”.

I have put in a research proposal, which is good. Really good. But we are not part of a university and so it may not be successful. But there is another proposal to do. And so I will do that.

I have been creative everyday. With something, from dinner, to myself, to art, to living, to mothering. Creative every day!!!!

That is not always producing an end product, a piece of art. But it is living, and it is the process.

Everyday I have done the morning pages except for one. Yay me.

I yearn to have money coming in. Bills are coming in and that keeps me up at night. The fear. And I don’t know what to do about that. Other than putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I would just like to say FUCK. Fuck, Fuck Fuck. And I do. And then I move on.

Or try to. The beauty of children is I can’t hide under my duvet for the day, I have to get up. And that is good for me. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t ever want to get up otherwise.

The bills come, and the money comes and it is a shortfall. And the shortfall is getting bigger. But that is that. And it will change. This is just right now. And I am trying to think of this in terms of what I need to learn.

I need to get back to drawing on a deadline. But with the proposal and life I got distracted. But I am a happier person drawing. And that is good. I try not to think about my art supplies decreasing and not been able to afford to replace them. Maybe that is why I put off creating an art piece. Self reflection through blogging…. Very self indulgent and me.com.

But to some extent that is what this is about. Where I am right now. Wondering if I am been lazy, and not wanting to work. Procrastinating and not good enough. Fearing rejection. But this is part of my journey right now. And in this space. This is where I am. Taking stock. Crumbling. Organising. Doing.

This is where I am.