I have not been reading the Artist’s Way or doing the morning pages. And the guilt of this has kept me from updating this blog.
But I have now declared this to the world.
I will do it. But I have not been.
I have been painting, and living, and trying not to sink under the fogs of depression. I think sometimes I am in the clutches of depression again, and then other times I think I am tottering around the edges. I am doing everything in my power to stay tottering and not topple in. In fact I am trying to actively get myself back on terra firma…the most that I ever am anyway!!!
AND THAT brings me on to my declaration. I can not be unemployed if I am self employed. I am no longer going to sit back and let life do to me what it will. I am taking the reins back.
I just got a tax bill of over $1000, due in February and with no job, that terrifies me. terrifies me. I have an HP, that terrifies me. And no steady income. Why could I not have saved. I could be the poster child for why you should not consume all your earnings. But laying that guilt on myself is not going to change the situation. Hopefully I will learn my lesson. But right now, that will not get these things paid.
So I am selling of my excess. I am going to paint. And try and sell my stuff. OMG. If I sell one thing, does that make me an artist??? Glory be!
And I am going to write a book. It is more than percolating, but I still have a bit to go before I am ready to make any further declarations.
Whatever happens from now. I choose how I deal with this situation. I will not sink any deeper because of this. It is what it is. It is what it is.
And making this decision, feels right like nothing else. Not like the dread of looking in the jobs section, or the applying for jobs that will deaden me. I have to make this work. And I feel joy at that. This is all about me. I am in control of this life baby. Here I come. Terrified but joyful and even more than that, some sort of calmness at this decision.
Filed under: Artist's Way, Personal
