Such a mish mash week. Also pmsy which doesn’t help!
Victoria decided that she was wearing a fairydress and gumboots this morning. Because we were meeting someone for lunch I tried to disuade her (I know, not a word!!), but she wasn;t budging. Then I took a step back and thought why am I trying to stifle her style? What two year old wouldn;t want to wear a fairy dress and pick gumboots? And even better, a sparkly fairy dress….so I let it go. Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as she is happy twirling and sparking? What am I teaching a two year old to conform for? With pride I watched my twirly sparkly princess make her own style statement!
I got a nose ring this week. I used to have one, but someone no longer in my life didn;t like it so I took it out. I have always been a bit gutted, as I had really wanted one and I loved it. And why did I give them that power, but I walked past a shop and there it was advertised on the window…so I walked past, and I thought. What does a person with no money coming in need with that? And then I thought…I have birthday money, and my mind thought of all the things I should do with it, but I went back, and she had time so I did it. And I love it all over again. I feel like I have crossed a threshold, though a threhold to what I have no idea at the moment.
I think my depression is back. I am monitoring my tearful phases, and they are more and more plentiful. So long as I am aware I am trying not to go to my Doctors. I have given myself a month. If I am no better, under my own steam I will get some drugs. Again. I just don;t want to go there. It is so spirit crushing. But I am going with it. Knowing that I have a month.
I bought a deck of Angel Cards from Doreen Virtue. Again, probably not the best thing to do with no money coming in, but they have been helpful already. And scary how much they have been accurate with my current situation. Scary. And a good guide for my path, though I know that people (like my wonderful partner) will say I see what I want to see. But who cares? And they bring me joy and make me smile. So I am okay with other people not feeling the way I do. I am loving the things that bring me bliss right now. I savour it amongst all the crying, and fears and doubts.
I am on a path of trusting my intuition more. Allowing myself to be guided by inner guideposts and gut feelings. getting more in touch with myself. Not a sudden decision but more where I have been heading for a long time….and now I am here…and I have reflected enough to realise this is where I am.
My Sebastian George….so in love with him. So in love. Such a sensitive soul in that six year old body. As rough and tumble as the next boy, probably more so, but sometimes…he leaves me breathless. And I adore him. He also leaves me exasperated, but how lucky am I to have him to exasperate me! But, maybe some more common sense would be nice….then again…I could tell myself that too!
And on my mothering random musing theme…I didn’t let them paint the other day because I didn;t want the mess. It had been a trying day, and I said no. And later…I felt guilty. Stifling their creativity because it didn’t fit in my cardboard box plan for them. Like their art should be contained nicely (within reason of course). It is something I want to work on….saying yes more and no less. Enjoying these moments, while I have them. Victoria is off to Kindy next year and they grow up so fast…so I want to savour my time and create memories. I want to say yes more.
Christmas is fast approaching. I know this. I know money is tight with us. I am hopeful that we will get everything we need. Actually I know we will. But I hope we can give the children a good Christmas, not laden with thoughts of money, or feelings of guilt for buying less than other years. I have cut our budget down, and I hope people understand. A part of me feels this what Christmas should be about anyway, in fact more than a part, but I wish it wasn’t been enforced on me by lack of money, that it was something I was choosing. I had already decided this year not to buy cheap junk from China, handmade, or NZ made, and to buy less than I had been. A part of me feels like I have had the choice in all this taken away from me. And I feel bad about that.
I think been an artist is not synonymous with no financial freedom. I had a discussion to day, and when I suggested I wouldn’t mind painting and seeing how that goes, you could hear their thoughts before they said them. I don’t get why people would think that I would be happy with NO money. That isn’t what I said for petes sake. I need money. I have bills. BUT, I am not valuing my time and art at nothing. I think there is a balance. And this is about finding that balance. But Argh…..I intend to make a living and a good one.
And lastly, completely randomly…how do I not have flies without killing them. They fly in, I open the front door and herd them out….with help from the kids, looking like a bunch of turkeys, but I don’t want to kill them, but I detest flies. I really do. Their buzzing makes my skin crawl, and I don’t like them in the house. I need to do some research on this. Or is there a balance between my Buddhism and killing insects and spraying chemicals all over my house. Or is there a balance because I just want there to be one. Argh….random musings could go on….and on…but I need to get dinner before starving children start attacking each other.
Blessings. And thank you Nana. I appreciate your help. xx
Filed under: Personal
