Finding Joy

I think I am very affected by the seasons. I feel the pull and push of seasonal shifts in my own moods. The summer has been quite all over the place this year and so have I.

Not in a place that I could even put words to where I am. Thinking about what it is I am trying to do. And trying not to overthink and achieve nothing…a delicate balance. For now I am moving. Not sure quite where the path is, or if I have left it. But moving.

I have been creative every day. Yay me. Even when I have not really felt like it. I have been able to thin back and say I was creative today. I have completed a lot of paintings. And modified some that I thought was done. It turns out that if you have your paintings around for long enough, if something is not quite working….time will tell you what to do with it. In phases sometimes. Do a bit here. Live with it. Do a bit there. Live with it. And then suddenly. It. is. finished. Without a doubt. You know. Like finding your true love. No reasons for it, you just know.

And I have been mothering and coping with the new budgetary constraints we find ourselves in. Funny that this time last year, I was such a spend thrift when I look back. How I sometimes wonder if I would have changed my mind bout some decisions with a fortune tellers ball.

As the bills start piling up I feel more and more stressed and I hate that feeling. I remember when I was a single mother feeling that in the early days and this seems to be triggering some of those same emotions and feelings, but life happens. And I believe things happen for a reason, and so I am pushing on….I mean what else is there really…if I am not pushing on, am I dead??? What an odd saying. Now I think about it. But in any event, I am breathing my way through it. Sometimes hit by panic attacks, but really concentrating on breathing and my art is saving me. What I would do without that I have no idea. I am thankful one of the things I was a spendthrift with, was art supplies and books. Useful now to stop me overthinking and allowing me to carry out activities that I enjoy.

So…new seasons, new ways of coping. I don;t want this post to be a whinging moaning post because I am not that sort of gal. In a way that I would never want to offend that type of gal. But though I have suffered from depression and been on happy pills, I can’t dwell….it does me no good, and I know if I let it, I am a dweller. So I focus on my optimistic rose coloured glasses and do something. It helps, and that is why for right now art is saving me. It gives me that activity to turn to. Naturally I am a “take a panadol and get over it type” which is why depression was so hard for me, so against my very nature, still is which is why I accept it is part of me now, and then move forward, conscious of it, but not allowing myself to sink back there if I can help it. Not fighting it either. Not causing wars to build. Just creating. So many ideas in this post, and unsure of its cohesiveness. I am moving on.