And oh my gosh my to-do list is VERY, VERY long. And so I stay away to try and get it all done, because I have self imposed deadlines for things, but sometimes it pays to come here and say ‘mercy’. What I was going to announce is not ready to be announced.

And I am giving myself a break. Taking it easy on myself, and trying very hard to not feel ick about it. Because everything is enough for right now.

And if I push myself too hard, it will not come from a healthy place.

So instead I am here making announcements and then back to my to do list to make it happen (even if the thought of saying I am overwhelmed is scary).  These little plan changes are real life.  Summer holidays happened.  And puppies were born. (and what an experience that was!)

Now to  work my arse off.    Painting.  Making and editing videos.  Creating.  And painting.  And reading and researching.  And planning.  And doing.  Especially the doing.  I have much more to come my friends.  And I am not waiting until it is perfect.  I am doing it with what I have when it will be good enough.

But first…the link to my first live class (someone did ask…I am not spamming).   And a big thank you to everyone who came and put up with noise issues.  You are all appreciated so, so much.

I have tried to embed it, but that is not working, so here instead is the link.

And I have started my first oil painting.

Only the first layer, and it takes a long time to wait for things to dry which is a good lesson in patience for me.  But I am excited.

And now announcements.  Drum roll if you please…

29th February… 2012…

I will be opening an online class on Texture for beginners.  No finished spreads or pieces.  Just a simple, back to basics class on creating actual and implied texture in our work.  A little treasure trove of information for those who have never picked up a brush and before and don’t know where to start.  The class I wish I had had, a few years ago now.

And hopefully some reminders for the more advanced, of forgotten techniques.  So 29th February.  More information will follow…but this class will be FREE.  Free, Free, Free.  And will be found here.

And also on the 29th February I will be launching an online shop to sell my work.

And to repeat, none of this will be happening on the 14th February like I planned.  But the 29th is lucky. Especially the 29th February 2012!  I feel it in my bones.

And there are a myriad of other little bits to be done.  That have made it on to a to-do list.  And they will get done as well.

And I just feel like a new wave of energy is opening and I am sinking into it and riding that wave.  I have crazy inspiration all around me, and good friends who make me laugh.

And life is good.

Thanks for visiting, and for reading all this if you have made it down to here.  I am beyond grateful for all of you. 

I have decided to do a live show.

Doing art live.

Even if it completely cocks up and I look like a talentless idiot.

Scares the bejesus out of me.  And I feel a little ill.

BUT…I am still doing it!  :)

So…details…

The channel is here.

And it will be live on the 29th January at 1pm EST (USA Time)

I believe that is…

29th January 12pm CST

29th January 6pm UK time

30 January 7am New Zealand time.

So yes, I will be bringing coffee!  :)

And there may be the sounds of a family getting up and sorted, but I will go with it.  And cross my fingers it all works.

My intention is to do an intuitive tribal-ish piece with a bit of lino printing as well.  I am concerned my intuition will leave me in a bout of stage fright, but that is the beauty of live tv, and thank goodness I don’t mind laughing at myself.

So yay!

Come and join me.  On my FIRST live show.

The photos are all from a class in the altered books class that can be found here.  A portrait pop up that has nothing to do with this post.  :)

The doctor didn’t know what was the cause of his leg problems and sent him for a scan.

While he was at the scan, I was on my way to collect our son from school, and I got this text:

“Have blood clots, going to ed [emergency department], will see you at home”

Really?  See me at home?  BLOOD CLOTS????

Having seen a few medical programmes I imagined blood clots traveling to major organs and so began the complete shift of my current paradigm.

We had a brief text conversation that I would come up to the hospital with the children and he assuring me that all was well and he would see me at home.

I didn’t bother to argue.

We went to the hospital.  Frankly he was dreaming to imagine I would ever do otherwise.

When he first saw me he told me we had to discuss some general disobedience issues.  I cried.

The doctor said Deep Vein Thrombosis and mm’s from been very dangerous.  And I cried.

To be honest I had cried at the initial text as well.  And I have cried a lot since.  I am a crier anyway.

And we are in the middle of daily injections, and blood thinners.  And I am worried sick.

And I wake up countless times a night to make sure he is still breathing.  He did suggest in a smart arse kind of way that I didn’t know if he had a clot to the brain while he was still breathing and I offered to wake him to check cognitive function when I checked he was still breathing.

And he calls me in to listen to his new theme song, which turns out to be “Knocking on heavens door”.

One of the reasons I love this man is his sense of humour and how much he makes me laugh.  But I am not in a laughing mood yet.  He does persist in trying though.  Sometimes it has worked, other times I end up in tears.

But I know he gets it, because we had a discussion and he illustrated clearly he got it.  So I get it.  He is trying to take my mind of it.  But Operation Clot Watch is quite dominant in my thoughts.

I am grateful for doctors and my paints.

It is amazing to me how something like this completely puts all other stresses into perspective.  You remember what is important.

Just in case you lose focus.  Especially at this time of year.

A new calmness has descended on me.

I love Christmas.  I go completely over the top with the homemade baking and crafts and activities.

I love it.

But this year some stress had crept in as well.

Now I am refocused once again on what is important.  Funny how sometimes that needs a big wake up call, though if I could order a lesson a little less life threatening and scary I would appreciate it.

The art belongs to the FREE altered book class that is still on over here (with new content STILL added every week for at least the next four weeks)….

And if you are looking for a new project for the year can I suggest this that looks freaking cool.  Though I have other plans for next year (that I will announce soon), and I won’t be doing it, I do recommend it and can hardly wait to see what people do with their stories and postcards…just a super cool idea, and already some fantastic people have signed up.  I was so, so tempted…(and there is still time before it begins where I may change my mind )

Back to Operation Clot Watch…and of course Christmas, arting and everything else that fills in the cracks.

Nanojoumo is still on and I am working on it each day and am really loving the down time and space it is giving me working in my journal.  And while I have so much going on, it really has been a sanity saver as I process things in the pages.

And I have a migraine.  I haven”t had one for so long, and for the last month I have had a pretty low level headache all the time and not been sleeping, and then for the past week it has gotten a bit worse, but there have been some personal family things going on as well, so I thought it was just stress really.  Combined with a bit of teary pms moments and some other blah, and then yesterday.  Wham.  The pain stepped up a level and all my other migraine symptoms stepped up so I had lights and nausea and dizziness and vampire-itis as any light hurt my eyes…and I retired to bed.  And trying not to move.  And it made sense because I had felt a bit off all week, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  And I just received a call to tell me about the death of an acquaintance, a very fit healthy acquaintance, not old, with a youngish family acquaintance.  And so now I am also feeling a bit shell shocked as well.

And this morning, I am shaky and not well.  Still.  So I am writing this post.  Posting my photos.  Because I have been meaning to, but got caught up in personal family stuff and editing and making videos and this post has sat around long enough, and it is haunting me.  And the longer I leave it, the bigger the update post will be!  And then I am going to lie down and try not to move.  So I can get better.  Because I have videos and editing to do as well, and I feel like this down time is going to put me behind everything I have going on at the moment.

So here are my Nanojoumo photos…with some explanation for those that find it interesting!

Nanojoumo #7

The buildings up the top came last…and were painted with Twinkling H20s which I have been trying to use more, the rest was a bit of smushing and writing with ink.

Nanojoumo #8

Some pages have a lot of writing, others not so much.  This did have writing for me, and things going through my head, these prompts this years have been good for sorting out things in my head and crystalising what is in there.  And I love that elephant!  And the colours.

Nanojoumo #9

This page was a bit messy to start with, though the writing came very easily.  It was nice to stop and reflect and then write down whatever came to mind.  I didn’t want to put a face there, but I saw her, bold and with no hair, and I was going to put hair on her, but I had this very strong feeling to leave her as is.  So I listened.

Nanojoumo #10

This page is really hard to get a good photo of. It was fun playing with patterns.  And this was going to get covered up with paint, but I decided not to.  I like the roughness.  And I love writing with sumi ink and a bamboo skewer!

Nanojoumo #11

I had an old frame I had made a couple of years ago for another journal that I ended up not using and it hung around so I chopped it up for this page.  And I used my homemade alcohol ink and I I decided to leave this page quite simple as well with all the embellishments, I didn’t want to do too much else.  In person it looks quite vintagey-pretty.

Nanojoumo #12

These girls were painted during Manon Visser‘s FREE live class that can be accessed over here.  The one on the left is using chalk pastels, and the one on the right prismacolours.  It was the first time I had used chalk pastels and I really love the look of them.  More playing will be had…

Nanojoumo #13

This page, right down the bottom, you can see a part of the marmite label poking through from the previous page.  It seemed somewhat appropriate to the message of the page about letting go of attachments, to rip some of the clean book pages off the page.  I think I made a mistake, and the page makes me a little annoyed that I did that, which is the perfect sign that I did have an attachment to that page.

Nanojoumo #14

This page had a whole lot of writing in white pen.  The flowers were kept simple with my Neocolours, but this question clearly sparked something and some of the things I wrote actually surprised me, and has given me much pause to think.

Nanojoumo #15

This whole page was kept simple, I used some of my home made graffiti paper that I have punched stars out of, and there is pink acrylics, and necolours and twinkling h20′s.  I person there is more depth than can be seen in this photo.  But I could not get a good photo of this page!

Nanojoumo #16

This is one of my favourite photos of my beloved and the children, thought it was taken a few years ago now.  I remember where they were and where I was, and it was such a nice intimate family moment, that belied that 10 minutes earlier my daughter hot and dusty and tired had lost the plot completely outside our tent while we were camping.  As we calmed her, and she calmed down her father sat down with her and her brother came up and we all just kind of sunk down.  I always see such love in this photo.  And because it has my beloved in it, who has no real online presence, with no facebook account or anything else, I did offer to put a post-it note over his devilishly rugged handsome face (which I scratched by accident on the photo), however he gave me permission to post freely! 

Nanojoumo #17

This page was hard for me, I don’t normally plaster my photos all over the page, but it seemed somewhat appropriate to use at least one photo for this prompt.  And what you can also see is that I have taken a lot of stupid photos of myself with photobooth.    I printed out a stack of them this year to use in my journal, but have only used a couple so I selected a few that were calling to me and used them, and I like how this page came out.  It sums me up reasonably well as of this moment in time.

Nanojoumo #18

I love the scarecrow that I sketched out with my stabilo pencil.  The journaling on the page is all mixed up and in a strange order, because when I started writing I thought I would only write in one panel.  Turns out I had a lot that needed to be said!    What art journaling gives me really is sometimes a therapists couch.  If I am feeling a little off or out of sorts but can’t quite work out why, I can investigate and generally find out the real cause of any discontent.  And sometimes it turns out my head is the one suffering and telling myself stories and I need the space to see those stories for what they are! 

Nanojoumo #19

I am not a doodler, so this page was really hard for me.  When I am scribbling on the backs of envelopes and on the margins it is portraits or facial features or flowers or stars or spirals that I draw.  But in no coherent fashion, and I always block myself by thinking that doodling has to look like some great zentangled masterpiece, so in this one I just started a drawing with a face where I didn’t lift the pen, and then I went back in with other details and even while I was working on the first face I put the word doodle into the middle of the hair.  I don’t know that this is necessarily proper doodling, but is there even such a thing as proper doodling??  But it is what I did and I am happy with it.  I did think about adding colour, but I like the black and white feel of the page.

And that is as far as my photos have gone, so I will get the other pages photographed soon, and upload my next lot of progress…but a whole lot earlier, because this has been a mission post and I really need to lie down.

Bravery.

Putting my blog out there.  On my personal facebook page where my family can see it.

Terrifying.

Making the commitment to do what it takes to be a thriving artist.

Terrifying.

Making my first vlog.

Terrifying.

Collaborating on an ONLINE CLASS.

Terrifying.

And yet that is what is happening.  In this month as my birthday fast approaches I am putting on my big girl pants and getting brave.

So BIG announcement.

FREE, yes FREE Book Altering class over at http://flutterbye.ning.com/

There will be two lessons a week from both myself and Amy.

And it will all be free.

We are hoping people will spread the word and the class will be a creative juicy hive of community and learning and sharing.  Where everyone has access.

FREE.

Huge exciting.

My first online class.

And despite the price tag, the value of this class is amazing.

Because we want people to get inspired and creative and to not have to worry about cost.

We will be altering books together.  Little treasure troves of inspiration.

So sign up.

It opens tomorrow….

Amy already has free live classes each week that are usually recorded.  You can find out about them here, and why she is holding them.  Read the post, because it gets to the essence of who Amy is and why I think she is so freaking incredible.

And guest teachers are coming on board as well…like Manon Visser this Friday (or Saturday if you live in New Zealand )

Here is Manon’s information about the class.

FREE is taking on.  Free and VALUABLE, no strings attached FREE.

This is a world I am happy to be a part of.

Come join us.

Plaster of paris is the coolest thing I have ever played with. I have just started playing (thanks to Stephanie Lee and Judy Wise) and I had piece that looked like someone glooped some custard on it, and I painted it gray just as a first layer, because I had some on my palette that needed using, and a bit of plaster fell of the sides of the recycled mdf I am using, and I thought bugger it. I will take it outside and scrape of the sides. And bearing in mind the glooped custard look that was not very attractive, I wondered what would happen if I took my scraper to the top as well. I was feeling this was just an experimental piece, was never going, now I am loving it. Taking away the paint and stripping it back to basics has brought this piece to life for me and I love where it has started to go…maybe not so much just a play piece.

And some close ups to see the glorious gritty texture:

And then I came inside feeling chuffed with myself (though I need a couple of band-aids because my scraper skills are as good as my knife skills) and I saw another piece that I had liked more than the one above, but still was not completely happy. So I took it outside to scrape, just to see what will happen, and again…OH MY GOSH. Plaster of Paris rocks!!!

The scraping and peeling back layers have opened up a whole new world.

I had plastered these a couple of months ago and because I was not completely happy I just left them aside. But they are back front and centre.

And I am doing a soul slam course with Amy and I am using a cheap sketch book I had lying around empty. But the cover was uninspiring pink plastic. So with much experimentation and some lessons learnt about what not to do, I plastered the front of the book and now it has a cover I love on it, with my current muse of the moment right in front of me painted on plaster and beeswaxed.

I seem to have so many ideas and things on my to-do list that sometimes I get so overwhelmed just thinking about it all I stop. Get stuck and wake up in the same place next week. Well you can’t expect to do the same things over and over and expect a different result. So I have still done the to-do list. But I am just doing it. Not thinking about it. And I have had the most productive week. Who knew that you just had to get started and actually do something!!

I was waiting to post until I had some things finished. But nothing is. But the pile of things half started is HUGE!

I have so many gessoed wood blocks ready for painting. (I know you were wondering how many “so many” were and so I just counted…25!!!) Some with paint already on. Mainly for my exhibition, but also one set aside for my baby sister’s birthday. And the idea I have had for her…think stiletto shoe…(because at 14 my mother has loosened up clothing rules for her pretty blinkin’ drastically) (And very much younger, I was 20 when she was born which also tells you how old I am, although maybe I was about to turn 20 because I thought I was turning 34 at this year’s birthday, but maybe I am wrong, I suck at keeping track of how old I am ), could spark a little series. More will come when I get the idea in my head actually down onto a wood block.

And then there is the Butterfly Effect. My goodness…it has found a rocketship to blast it to the moon and everyone must now get involved. There are themes and giveaways and exciting exciting exciting. And this week’s theme is street art. And while I am not finished yet, this is where I am up to…

This canvas was started 3 years ago maybe. And it sucked. A half hour into it, I knew it really sucked. And so I put it away. A few weeks ago I found it and put over a light coat of modelling paste (note to newbies, don’t buy modelling paste, buy joint compound…huge difference in price but not effect). And then it got left. And then I saw the street art theme. And I went to find a canvas, and I pulled that out. Because I saw a grey background to provide a base, so the sucky art still poking through was going to be vamooshed. And I had intended a plaster background anyway as soon as I saw street art was the theme.

And so I played on top of that with my open acrylics. I have not done a class with them, so I am not using them to their full potential probably, but there is not a big difference for me between those and my heavy bodied acrylics except that they take ages to dry. And so for a while on this canvas I had a bit of mud happening, because I am impatient and slap happy. And I am trying to not use a hairdryer and speed up drying times. And then I chucked on some ink and oil pastel. Some graphite. And then found a shape, and blocked out the wall in what turned out to be grey again. You can get an idea of what the canvas looked like before I blocked out via the shape that is visible. I have not done anything to that yet. Yet. And still need to play more with the open acrylics

Not sure what it will look like when it is finished, but there it is now. And I am not linking yet to Butterfly Effect, because I will do that when it is finished.

And then on to my journal page. It has been in a state of off and on work for weeks. And I do a bit here and a bit there. So many layers. So many. How it started off is no where near where it is now. I should remember to take photos, throughout the process, but I get into a zone and never remember.

And it still isn’t done.

But it is half finished and in my workspace so it counts for this mid week round up.

And this journal page. I was going to paint her face in, but I like her face like that. Not sure what else I am going to do with her. There is journalling in white pen all over the front page and I am at the stage of needing to sit with her for a bit. Luckily for me there is a lot in my pile to go on with.

And then this. I started months ago. For the Gritty Jane course I signed up for. And this is as far as I have gotten. Just an under painting that needs more work. But I have pulled this out this week as well.

And my Zombie paintings (For the Zombie vs Unicorn competition over at Amy’s blog as a celebration for her birthday which you should also enter, and also look at her self portrait photos because she is looking quite stunningly hot). I can only show you one, because the other is so fantastically good, I think it will win and I don’t want to give anything away to the unicorn people (I read something on twitter of all things, and when I was thinking about it later, and then thinking about zombies, I had the massively brilliant idea of the two things that are the most unlikely things ever to be put together and I have been working on that A LOT this week) who will lose. And I have to say, one of the best things about this is that realy I am a unicorn person. I did the zombie thing to push myself out of my natural comfort zone. And here I am. Loving the outcomes.

But I can’t show that one, because it is a secret. And it makes me happy in a really pathetically geeky delicious kind of way.

But this one is only barely started. It is a piece created for an online workshop that I never really felt. And so I painted over it. And did some playing. Then saw a zombie shape. But it is only beginning. And chances are very high it will change drastically.

And there are other things on my half done, need to be finished pile as well. But if I had taken more photos this post would never end. And I wanted to get back to painting.

And finishing.

And in light of that post and feeling overwhelmed, I have signed up to something else. Because after all is that not what we do (though I have a blanket moratorium out on all classes for right now, which is unfortunate, because there are so many classes I want to do, but they are not good choices for right now (I just need to repeat that to myself 10000 times), though if I win a place, that does not count I have decided. Crossing my fingers for any class giveaways.) And taking the time to finish what I have actually already signed up for.

But moving on, I have signed up to something new…something cool and the decision about whose side I will take has been surprising enough for me that I am so looking forward to this break of madness in the middle of everything else. Zombies vs Unicorns. (Google is your friend, until yesterday I had no idea there was such a battle been waged). And I naturally thought unicorns, because I am a unicorn magical kind of person. And zombies scare me, and I have not really been a huge fan, despite Sebastian pulling off a very realistic zombie impersonation which shows he loves them a lot more than unicorns). Pulling back from that tangent, after some research I started to come around to the idea of zombies, and that right now, I feel more zombie than unicorn, and after Sebastian telling me any zombie I made would be lame, I felt compelled to step up to the challenge. So zombies here I come!

Go here to sign up. Zombies vs Unicorns, who couldn’t use a little madness to break up the rest of life.

And now for my pages…

I am only up to Week 5 (back to the 52 pages tangent, in case anyone was wondering what on earth week 5 was about) but catching up is in the cards, hence no more classes (repeat to self), so here is encourage.

This was a little too pastel-ly for me. And I was not feeling it. But then I saw orange oil pastel flowers, and charcoal stems and the rest is history. The page was done. It has a mix of all sorts, because there is some ink and tissue paper and stamping and acrylics on that background, and a lot you can’t quite see until you see it up close and catch glimpses and I like that. It was a page that accumulated bits until I was ready to play properly with it and “encourage” those bits to come together (and that folks is a segue!! ) I blame tiredness for that!

And then this page, was quinacridone (I love that word) magenta and violet. And then I saw the profile of a man in the shapes of the paint and then he turned into a zombie like person (I took it as a sign I made the right choice) . And out came my Stabilo marks-all. I journalled with that pen as well, about my first crush and the embarrassment and foolishness I feel looking back at that moment. And then spritzed the page and melted the words. The writing is done with acrylic ink and a bamboo skewer. I love how simple the page is. And how the zombie man really has nothing at all to do with crushes or being crushed, but he goes with the tone of the page and the writing. And I just like him. And it is another profile head that does not look deformed and completely strange.

And this canvas is on the go (I was going to say on the easel, but then I worried that maybe that sounded a little pretentious)…it is a start. Just a start, a work in progress. The shapes have occurred quite organically, and despite me not really been into birds, this bird like creature arrived so I am going with it.

And I am linking to Butterfly Effect…

But I am here. And that is okay. I am embracing lateness. This post is about my total alignment with Connie “Balance” page.

This page took over a week to do. I would get stuck with it, for a while it looked like a yellow ten pin bowling pin in some drug addled mess of colour, and just leave it. In frustration and annoyance that it was getting no where, I closed the journal page altogether. And then a few days later I went back to it, to see if I had to start again, cause maybe that would be my only option. And then I decided on a splodge of white and that led to a face and the page was completed.

(Having just gone to get a photo of said page, all the photos I took were rubbish. Adding to worn and hagged feeling ) And even the second lot of photos were not great. But one is doable.

She started life a bit pretty and younger, and then she turned into an older woman, and I wasn’t so keen, but I realised that it is how I feel, and even with the intention of balance in my heart, I feel more overwhelmed than balanced at the moment. So many commitments to things I have made, and am not keeping up with hardly any of it. And I feel hagged and worn and very guilty. And even though the mess is covered up on the page, I know that underneath that layer there are threads pulling her in every direction, and it isn’t pretty and blue, despite outward appearances and this felt very right. And finished.

And I am LOVING my oil pastels in combination with my acrylics.

AND I have open acrylics coming today (said in hopeful dulcet tones because I have my voice back) and I can hardly wait to play with them, though I fear, that they may test my patience levels, because one of the things I love about acrylics is the fast drying times. But yay for playing!

And post note since the said paints have now arrived, while I am still excited to be playing, the deal I got was not quite as fantastic when I see the size of the tubes, and I whinge again about why I even bother to buy paints from New Zealand Companies when I can get them so much cheaper overseas and online even taking into account shipping prices.

But taking a deep breath and releasing that to go play!

Trying to finish the elements course with Effy. And then on to the other online art courses I signed up for.

But I am getting there.

I had reason to take a step back this week, some of it enforced when it hurt everytime I took a breath or moved and I had to make some decisions going forward, because something I planned on is not happening. Not the end of the world, but blinkin’ inconvenient (in fact stronger words than “blinkin’” have been used this week, which comes with loving and living with an ex-butcher I think, I have a well developed potty mouth, but have tried to contain it, for fear of my child going to kindy repeating what she has heard at home! That would be all I need, for complaints from kindy teachers.

But I am still standing. I won GLORY. Kind of. And life goes on. I could let it drive me into a funk, and with my tendency to fall into depression I am ever on standby for that, but this week I have managed to hang on to my sanity for the most part. One little “poor me sobby moment of oh my gosh what am I going to do”. But there is only so much of that I can do. So you pick up the pieces and go to Plan B, or PLan C, or Plan W

So in the way of arting, I did a really good profile sketch. My first one that didn’t look massively deformed, and then I should have taken a photo but I didn’t and I put paint on her and I wish I hadn’t. But I will probably have another go at her at some stage.

She was done for Water week for the Elements course.

And then a couple of abstracty pieces. Again, both done processing the elements course (which has just gone self-study).

The first is a fire page. Which I love and has so many layers it is yummy.

And then another water page. Which started in a completely different way from how it ended up. And in fact I started it and it stayed just started cause I couldn’t see where I wanted it to go. And so I avoided the elements course and my pledge to get it finished. And then I moved on to fire week eventually. Just leaving that page as it was, and then voila. I found a way forward after my fire page.

I am loving my oil pastels at the moment. I don’t love the smushiness of them when I have finished, but a layer of clear gesso fixes that for me.

And I am linking at the butterfly effect. Check them all out, stunning, stunning art is been produced. I have been very slack about commenting, but I am looking in awe at the pages, and I will get there. (On my never ending to-do list). And this post is late I know, but better late than never!!

And lastly Happy Fathers Day to my beloved. I could not have picked a better father for my children. You are a much better father than I am a mother and I am eternally grateful. xx