That confession is over.  Thank goodness.  And then the other confession.  I have not got past week five in my Artist Way exercises.  I was going full tilt and then stopped.  So tonight I will get back on the wagon.  And start up the reading again.

I did find the morning pages helped me.  And no reason why I stopped.  I just woke and realised I had not done them for a couple of days, and then it was a week.  Holding myself to account, I will finish.  I can be a finisher!!

I overcomitt and then things fall, but I am recommitting to the Artist’s Way.  I wonder sometimes if there are other’s struggling or if it is just me.  You read about how everyone is doing it or has done it.  But knuckling down.  I am the only one who can keep myself accountable.  I am responsible for only me.  And what would it really matter if there was more than me struggling with the artist’s way.  Refocusing and recommitting to the process.  Come what may.  No excuses.  Just doing it.

I don’t know where I am. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t know if I am on the right track. My path has not yet lit up in lights saying “This way”.

I have put in a research proposal, which is good. Really good. But we are not part of a university and so it may not be successful. But there is another proposal to do. And so I will do that.

I have been creative everyday. With something, from dinner, to myself, to art, to living, to mothering. Creative every day!!!!

That is not always producing an end product, a piece of art. But it is living, and it is the process.

Everyday I have done the morning pages except for one. Yay me.

I yearn to have money coming in. Bills are coming in and that keeps me up at night. The fear. And I don’t know what to do about that. Other than putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I would just like to say FUCK. Fuck, Fuck Fuck. And I do. And then I move on.

Or try to. The beauty of children is I can’t hide under my duvet for the day, I have to get up. And that is good for me. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t ever want to get up otherwise.

The bills come, and the money comes and it is a shortfall. And the shortfall is getting bigger. But that is that. And it will change. This is just right now. And I am trying to think of this in terms of what I need to learn.

I need to get back to drawing on a deadline. But with the proposal and life I got distracted. But I am a happier person drawing. And that is good. I try not to think about my art supplies decreasing and not been able to afford to replace them. Maybe that is why I put off creating an art piece. Self reflection through blogging…. Very self indulgent and me.com.

But to some extent that is what this is about. Where I am right now. Wondering if I am been lazy, and not wanting to work. Procrastinating and not good enough. Fearing rejection. But this is part of my journey right now. And in this space. This is where I am. Taking stock. Crumbling. Organising. Doing.

This is where I am.

Here is the new contract I made.  I am up to Week three and I have done the morning pages every day.  I made a deal with myself that I could be late, as long as I did them, but ever since I have done them in the morning.  I keep them beside my bed with a pen and generally just roll over and grab the book and start writing.  Sometimes I grab the book as I get up but it is always done in the morning, and I make sure it is there for me when I go to bed.  I have completed the activities.  With some surprising results and I am making progress.  If I don’t feel like doing my pages I think Transform and I do it.  I’m so pleased so far.  And my Artist dates have been wonderful and I am so grateful.

I can’t yet define the possibility of what, but it is happening.

Camping was great, the weather was good, could have been better, but could have been worse.  I did a lot of looking forward and planning my next steps.  And worked on the Artist’s Way.  Did some sketching and watching class videos on my ipod.  Just relaxed.  In some cases this had to be done inside the tent because my hayfever began playing up, but my body was ready to unwind and relax, knowing that when I got home, I had to be ready to go.

Six months…where will I be in six months?  The not knowing is scary but exciting.  It feels like it is time to get going.

My word for 2010 is TRANSFORM, and I can feel the buzz all around me.  The potential of what that word means, for my physical self, my mind, my work, everything.  I look forward to summing up my year at the end and seeing what I have achieved.  I think TRANSFORM when I wonder what to do and that guides me.  What a powerful intention and more productive than new year’s resolutions I will never keep.

The above photo is Pania of the Reef, taken while on holiday.  A beautiful story and growing up in Napier I have many memories of this statue so it was nice seeing her again and remembering.  I went to the Hawke’s Bay Museum and Art Gallery and saw all the exhibitions, but the one that resonated with me was Graphica Britannica.  Amazing.  Amazing.  It wasn’t the one I went to see, but it was the one that I fell in love with.  Funny how that happens sometimes, but I got goosebumps and that filled my well and then some.  And better yet, I had gone by myself, so no impatient partner or kids waiting to move on…I could take my time, and I did.  And this was that weeks artist date, so homework complete!!

Number one…next year….I will aim to post at least 4 times a day.

Number two…and this will be the subject of a blog post….I have a word for 2010. Yay!!

Number three, my six year old stunning delight asked me today what I wanted to be when I grew up. After giving a silent thank you for still been given the opportunity to grow up, and have a do over, I said I wasn;t really sure. He asked if I wanted to be a worker, I said not really. He then asked if I wanted to be a circus judger. Circus judger I asked? You mean juggler? I have always wanted to juggle but I can;t, maybe I could learn. No a judger he stated. Someone who goes around judging circuses. I started to say vile things like judge against what? Why would you want to judge a circus, what are you comparing them against? Thankfully I stopped myself before I uttered one word. And thought…stunning. he has made up a job and job title….and I said, maybe I could. Maybe I could.

And I could. And then that little delight said and you could love a boy. I said I loved a boy very much already. And he said that boy is me isn;t it. Yes I said. More than words can say. I love you Sebastian George, and today you gladdened my heart, and the heart of the Whitcoulls owner who saw you dancing in the corner and said it had made her day. Go you.

And we had santa photos taken. $25 for two photos on a disk…I got them, but it seems so fundamentally wrong. Had other stuff to get today and ran out of money. Decided when reorganising my priorities that some needs were wants really, and went with the real needs which I managed. Felt a bit depressed and matyr-like and then recalled I could be a circus judger. The beauty of that job is how could you stop smiling.

Painting. Painting. Painting. Hoping it will lead to works I can sell, but I am working on enjoying the process. And not thinking about that outcome. Not till the new year. While I am camping I have some things I want to do. And in the new year, I put my new word into play and I stop mucking about and procrastinating.

AND, and and…I am doing the artists way again. I made a new contract, and so far, week one, I am sticking to it. I decided that just picking up where I stopped and using my old contract with myself was not a goer. I needed a fresh slate. So I worked on a new contract and now I am actually doing it. And so far, I am going okay.

I have photos to post, but if I don;t get back…merry christmas self, and enjoy your break. Next year you will be busy making your dreams come true.

But I have now declared this to the world.

I will do it.  But I have not been.

I have been painting, and living, and trying not to sink under the fogs of depression.  I think sometimes I am in the clutches of depression again, and then other times I think I am tottering around the edges.  I am doing everything in my power to stay tottering and not topple in.  In fact I am trying to actively get myself back on terra firma…the most that I ever am anyway!!!

AND THAT brings me on to my declaration.  I can not be unemployed if I am self employed.  I am no longer going to sit back and let life do to me what it will.  I am taking the reins back.

I just got a tax bill of over $1000, due in February and with no job, that terrifies me.  terrifies me.  I have an HP, that terrifies me.  And no steady income.  Why could I not have saved.  I could be the poster child for why you should not consume all your earnings.  But laying that guilt on myself is not going to change the situation.  Hopefully I will learn  my lesson.  But right now, that will not get these things paid.

So I am selling of my excess.  I am going to paint.  And try and sell my stuff.  OMG.  If I sell one thing, does that make me an artist???  Glory be!

And I am going to write a book.  It is more than percolating, but I still have a bit to go before I am ready to make any further declarations.

Whatever happens from now.  I choose how I deal with this situation.  I will not sink any deeper because of this.  It is what it is.  It is what it is.

And making this decision, feels right like nothing else.  Not like the dread of looking in the jobs section, or the applying for jobs that will deaden me.  I have to make this work.  And I feel joy at that.  This is all about me.  I am in control of this life baby.  Here I come.  Terrified but joyful and even more than that, some sort of calmness at this decision.