Here is another girl that I did, and I didn’t feel her at all.  The composition was blah…and she just wasn’t working for me. But she had a moko (facial tattoo) on her face and I loved her and the moko.  But not as she was.  I put her away and there she stayed until last night.

I found her again when I was looking for something else and remembered the great hopes I had for her.  How much I had loved the sketch but how I had lost my way in colouring her and in transferring her onto the wood.

And I gessoed her hair around her face.  And she looked so much better, but the composition still sucked.  And so I gessoed her.  All of it.  And then I sketched another Māori Goddess.  In a composition I like much better.  And then I have put down a layer.  Just a first layer.  But I did this layer in watercolour.  And I like it.  I will start with my prismacolors and build my way up with paint and everything else.  But I like the layer of watercolour.  I like her hair in particular.  It is closer to what I saw in my head for her hair. So her hair may stay in watercolour.

I put her away because I felt like I had ruined her.  Ruined her beyond repair.  Beyond my capabilities to fix.  I was disappointed because what I had did not match up with what I had seen in my head.

And instead.  She needed a new start.  I have done so many sketches of girls I am so much better than I was when I sketched her.  And I love her.  Not ruined.  And some of those many layers she had still peek through.  And that is good with me.

Lessons learnt…don’t be too fixated with the final outcome…you can always start again.

Don’t be afraid to start again.  It is all just another layer.  Much like life sometimes. 

And don’t for heavens sake just plonk something in the middle.  So much interest just instantly vanishes….slightly off centre…like my life…and I am seeing her again.  How I saw her in my head.  Not ruined forever after all.

Here are the girls produced out of Suzi’s Gypsy Girl Lesson…I love the style and loved doing these.  I also love them because I couldn’t get or afford to get all the resources that were mentioned and so some of these girls are created with my own made up versions of products. And a feeling of “making do” which could feel martyr like but was actually empowering to take more chances and try different things.  And I love them.

I dyed the frill at the bottom with tea to age it, and cut up material and raided my stash of bits I have kept for some reason and out came these girls.  I love the sewing.  The messy sewing.  I love the pocket I created that my joker lives in.  I like my first attempt at drawing men…though consensus in my house from the menfolk is that he still looks like a girl.  I see a boy, so disregarded their opinions!

Suzi Blu has opened up a new world for me.  Of empowerment and the ability to put a face to emotions, and to draw faces I love and I never imagined possible a year ago.  I can’t urge people enough to check her out.  She is amazing to me.  And her addition to this journey I have been on has been such an invaluable experience.  Such an integral part of where my art journey is going.  Thank you doesn’t cover the gratitude I have for her!

This changed so much from the sketch to who she is now.

As she got filled with colour she became quite hard and on edge and had a wariness.

And the words “Next time I’ll be ready for you” came to mind when I looked at her so steel-like and determined.  Clearly with a story and feelings about where I was personally.  About someone who was physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  And so those are the words she had on her.

And I have had her displayed.  And I look at her everyday and something seems off.  There was the composition….not great, but she was very early.  And I have learnt much more now!  And there was the colour…lavender wasn’t working for me either….at least not that much.  Though I had done it to town down a bit of the yellow originally.  And the stamp on her face…pushing my own boundaries and taking risks but not loving it as it was.  But also, I felt like I had tainted her with my words.  I realised today what it was that bothered me and she has been “complete” for over six months!

I looked at those words again and realised that my problem was those words, and all the other things but those words had tainted her.  I looked at her and saw her on edge and something not quite right within her.  And yes….not real I know she is a painting.  But still…imbued with the energy I painted her with.

So….after the experience I had last night…which is a post to be shared soon, I took her and while I am a bit stuck with the composition.  I I have begun the revision of her.  And I look at her and feel a lightness already.

Only one layer….but so different in feel to me already.   A lot still to do,  but a lesson to me in what to create about.  And the impact that different energy has on the work that is created.

I have spent so much time on her.  And her face was perfect.  Perfect.  And then I got up one morning and saw my own three year old creative angel had drawn all over her with white oil paint pen.  All over her face and bits on her body.  After near collapsing with grief as I had not yet taken photos.  I tried to get it off with glazing fluid and everything I could think off and nothing would work.  It was dry.

And then I thought oil paint…turps….and then very carefully tried it.  And it worked.  But took off a few of my own layers as well.  I did do a bit of touch up work on her, but I left her a bit touched by the turps.  I liked it.  I look at her and see her a bit weathered and think of that moment where I was so attached to “perfection” that I screeched at my daughter.  And it is a lesson.  And I prefer her sort of wounded imperfect face.  As it happens.  Sort of shabby and aged is my thing, at the moment anyway.  And so here she is. Feeling very honest and raw and open.

She is crazy mad, and I love her.  She would be a great friend, wise and counselling but able to laugh and enjoy life and who could ask for more?

I adore her but got Suzi-shy and so was hesitant to put myself up, but apart from my stage fright, I cannot say enough to take her class if you are thinking about it.  I first saw her classes and thought they were not really for me.  But I kept seeing her mentioned and went back and kept looking and then saw her Goddess class,  and thought maybe that was for me to try.

Having taken the class…she is so supportive and encouraging but actually critiques work if needed to show how to get better.  And that I loved.  Not that I put my work up.  But take the class.  Even if you thinking maybe not for you, you will get something out of it.  What I really really like is that you get to download the classes.  The classes only open up for a “semester”, but you do have these videos, very detailed wonderful videos, that are then yours to look at, at your leisure without chewing up all your bandwidth.

And she is bringing more classes out all the time.  If I can, I would love to do Mermaids (that is coming in June/July), but money is an issue at the moment so we shall see.

But I started with the Goddess class.  And then I saw the Petite Dolls in a whole new light and so I took that class as well.  And loved it.  They are so different to the Goddess girls but have so much  more meaning in them than I saw.  And they totally turned me on to folk art.  I am not sure what was so jarring at first.  But I love what you can do with them.  And like I said.  Take her class.

I also took her Angels class.  And that was also good.  But I think you need to take the Goddess class and Petite Dolls before you take the other classes.  They are her foundation courses. Angels has portraits and petites and I haven’t finished, though I have done other stuff with the techniques she teaches.

And you get to keep those videos!!!

This has turned into a Suzi fan love fest, but it was originally to show of my blue toned girl.  Sketching a face and then colouring it in with only one tone.  Looking now, I see how far I have come.  One of the things I allowed to hold me back was not having the “correct” Moleskine skecth book (almost impossible to get here in New Zealand!!).  But even when I got that (eventually!) I still found it hard to suck.  having started on this “Art” path what if this was the moment I truely sucked.  Maybe that is why I haven’t shared these girls before, not even with Suzi herself.  But here we go.

Here is Blue toned girl.

I have a poem for her, though it doesn’t “feel” right so for now I am leaving her blank.

It isn’t that I don’t aspire to have good pages, but that the process is as important to me as how I get there.  I like how pages develop.

And I have a few pages in particular that transformed quite markedly.  And I find that process fascinating.  Coming back after some time has passed and seeing the pages afresh, seeing new directions that the pages can go in.  Exploring.  Covering.  Testing.  Playing.  It is all a part of life and all a part of my pages.  And so I show all here.  Because otherwise I only record half the story.  And when I look back, I want to see warts and all.  The bits in between that made up this life I am living.  Good, bad and just plain ugly!!

So this painting has become this…..

Very little recognisable, but bits here and there.  Looking at the two, it is hard to believe that one is now this…

And then there was this page, that has now become this…

I like the muted colours and the feeling in this page, though in my head it is not yet finished.

And then this page, transformed into this….

I love this page.  So bright and it speaks to me of my word for the year…”Transform”, so I think this will find it self on to this page at some stage.  But I look back at what these pages were, and what they are now, and I am so glad I recorded the middle steps.  Otherwise they would be completely gone now.  The process was as important as the pages and how they stand they now.  And in all of the pages there are remnants of the previous layers.  Little clues that there is more hidden beneath the surface than one might suspect.  And it speaks to me of my own art journey and the stages I am going through, playing and experimenting.  Finding my voice.

“K” is for Kiwi (Using my label maker which I feel a WHOLE LOT OF GEEKY KIND OF LOVE FOR!!! – also passed on to my children who have both requested label makers for their birthdays!)

“B” is for Button

The “Be Free” Series

I also participated in the “Watercolor for N00bs” series.  I did my first water colour…which looked okay I think…I was happy at any rate considering my newness to watercolours!

I then cut it up and stuck it to my ATC cards I have made…

I will use the rest for other projects I am sure.  I have already used one as the base.  I am noticing that I love to stitch the cards.  I like how that looks.  For right now that is part of my ATC style it would seem.

The last lot I have currently finished are my cupcakes… another series.  I loved the colours in these.

I am always nervous about sending them out, but I go by the guiding principle that I would love to receive these, and so hopefully others would as well.  Not just that I think they are good, but I know how much work has gone into them, and I would appreciate that in other’s cards. And I do.  But that doesn;t stop that nervousness, and whether someone is going to come back and see me for a fraud and say I suck.  But so far, so good.

It is not that long ago that I found myself turning to art again.  From high school to last year there was nothing really, but I thin I am making creating/art a part of my life and I love that.  I can’t imagine not doing anything again.  It has become such a part of me.

And I like it.  It was hard to post it on the site, because I thought I would regret it the next day as it looked so rough, but I did.  And I got a lovely comment that it was my messy hair shot.  And that summed it up completely for me.  I look sad, and I was.  The page is messy and chaotic but so I was I that day.  And for that one day…it was very honest and reflective of who I was.  And I am drawn to her/me.  And so pleased I did something when I didn’t feel like it.  Pushing past that and just doing anything, and I think that is part of why I love it as well.

There are days like today that I wonder what I am doing and if I am enough for anyone.

Days that hurt.

And that feel messy.

And jagged.

And dark.

Today is a struggle.

Overwhelm.

I am who I am…I am enough…

On  the piece of paper with the stamps, was a inking of the first stamp I had made, as I was testing it and refining it….and I have loved making stamps…making my own art supplies fits in so well with where I am write now, being careful, even frugal, and taking more care and making things count….rambling as well! (And the diagonal stamp….made by me too!)  Loving stamps!!!

And I am thankful, naturally an optimist in spite of the depression and I am very grateful for my blessings.

I wear my heart on my sleeve…come what may, and am a people pleaser who is trying to please less if it comes at the expense of her mental health.

The page is also very bright, and very me as it turned out.  There is a picture of a dandelion…and I do believe in wishes and magic….and this is the person I am…faults and all.  And that is okay.

Not in a place that I could even put words to where I am. Thinking about what it is I am trying to do. And trying not to overthink and achieve nothing…a delicate balance. For now I am moving. Not sure quite where the path is, or if I have left it. But moving.

I have been creative every day. Yay me. Even when I have not really felt like it. I have been able to thin back and say I was creative today. I have completed a lot of paintings. And modified some that I thought was done. It turns out that if you have your paintings around for long enough, if something is not quite working….time will tell you what to do with it. In phases sometimes. Do a bit here. Live with it. Do a bit there. Live with it. And then suddenly. It. is. finished. Without a doubt. You know. Like finding your true love. No reasons for it, you just know.

And I have been mothering and coping with the new budgetary constraints we find ourselves in. Funny that this time last year, I was such a spend thrift when I look back. How I sometimes wonder if I would have changed my mind bout some decisions with a fortune tellers ball.

As the bills start piling up I feel more and more stressed and I hate that feeling. I remember when I was a single mother feeling that in the early days and this seems to be triggering some of those same emotions and feelings, but life happens. And I believe things happen for a reason, and so I am pushing on….I mean what else is there really…if I am not pushing on, am I dead??? What an odd saying. Now I think about it. But in any event, I am breathing my way through it. Sometimes hit by panic attacks, but really concentrating on breathing and my art is saving me. What I would do without that I have no idea. I am thankful one of the things I was a spendthrift with, was art supplies and books. Useful now to stop me overthinking and allowing me to carry out activities that I enjoy.

So…new seasons, new ways of coping. I don;t want this post to be a whinging moaning post because I am not that sort of gal. In a way that I would never want to offend that type of gal. But though I have suffered from depression and been on happy pills, I can’t dwell….it does me no good, and I know if I let it, I am a dweller. So I focus on my optimistic rose coloured glasses and do something. It helps, and that is why for right now art is saving me. It gives me that activity to turn to. Naturally I am a “take a panadol and get over it type” which is why depression was so hard for me, so against my very nature, still is which is why I accept it is part of me now, and then move forward, conscious of it, but not allowing myself to sink back there if I can help it. Not fighting it either. Not causing wars to build. Just creating. So many ideas in this post, and unsure of its cohesiveness. I am moving on.