Here is another girl that I did, and I didn’t feel her at all.  The composition was blah…and she just wasn’t working for me. But she had a moko (facial tattoo) on her face and I loved her and the moko.  But not as she was.  I put her away and there she stayed until last night.

I found her again when I was looking for something else and remembered the great hopes I had for her.  How much I had loved the sketch but how I had lost my way in colouring her and in transferring her onto the wood.

And I gessoed her hair around her face.  And she looked so much better, but the composition still sucked.  And so I gessoed her.  All of it.  And then I sketched another Māori Goddess.  In a composition I like much better.  And then I have put down a layer.  Just a first layer.  But I did this layer in watercolour.  And I like it.  I will start with my prismacolors and build my way up with paint and everything else.  But I like the layer of watercolour.  I like her hair in particular.  It is closer to what I saw in my head for her hair. So her hair may stay in watercolour.

I put her away because I felt like I had ruined her.  Ruined her beyond repair.  Beyond my capabilities to fix.  I was disappointed because what I had did not match up with what I had seen in my head.

And instead.  She needed a new start.  I have done so many sketches of girls I am so much better than I was when I sketched her.  And I love her.  Not ruined.  And some of those many layers she had still peek through.  And that is good with me.

Lessons learnt…don’t be too fixated with the final outcome…you can always start again.

Don’t be afraid to start again.  It is all just another layer.  Much like life sometimes. 

And don’t for heavens sake just plonk something in the middle.  So much interest just instantly vanishes….slightly off centre…like my life…and I am seeing her again.  How I saw her in my head.  Not ruined forever after all.

Here are the girls produced out of Suzi’s Gypsy Girl Lesson…I love the style and loved doing these.  I also love them because I couldn’t get or afford to get all the resources that were mentioned and so some of these girls are created with my own made up versions of products. And a feeling of “making do” which could feel martyr like but was actually empowering to take more chances and try different things.  And I love them.

I dyed the frill at the bottom with tea to age it, and cut up material and raided my stash of bits I have kept for some reason and out came these girls.  I love the sewing.  The messy sewing.  I love the pocket I created that my joker lives in.  I like my first attempt at drawing men…though consensus in my house from the menfolk is that he still looks like a girl.  I see a boy, so disregarded their opinions!

Suzi Blu has opened up a new world for me.  Of empowerment and the ability to put a face to emotions, and to draw faces I love and I never imagined possible a year ago.  I can’t urge people enough to check her out.  She is amazing to me.  And her addition to this journey I have been on has been such an invaluable experience.  Such an integral part of where my art journey is going.  Thank you doesn’t cover the gratitude I have for her!

This changed so much from the sketch to who she is now.

As she got filled with colour she became quite hard and on edge and had a wariness.

And the words “Next time I’ll be ready for you” came to mind when I looked at her so steel-like and determined.  Clearly with a story and feelings about where I was personally.  About someone who was physically and emotionally abusive towards me.  And so those are the words she had on her.

And I have had her displayed.  And I look at her everyday and something seems off.  There was the composition….not great, but she was very early.  And I have learnt much more now!  And there was the colour…lavender wasn’t working for me either….at least not that much.  Though I had done it to town down a bit of the yellow originally.  And the stamp on her face…pushing my own boundaries and taking risks but not loving it as it was.  But also, I felt like I had tainted her with my words.  I realised today what it was that bothered me and she has been “complete” for over six months!

I looked at those words again and realised that my problem was those words, and all the other things but those words had tainted her.  I looked at her and saw her on edge and something not quite right within her.  And yes….not real I know she is a painting.  But still…imbued with the energy I painted her with.

So….after the experience I had last night…which is a post to be shared soon, I took her and while I am a bit stuck with the composition.  I I have begun the revision of her.  And I look at her and feel a lightness already.

Only one layer….but so different in feel to me already.   A lot still to do,  but a lesson to me in what to create about.  And the impact that different energy has on the work that is created.

I have spent so much time on her.  And her face was perfect.  Perfect.  And then I got up one morning and saw my own three year old creative angel had drawn all over her with white oil paint pen.  All over her face and bits on her body.  After near collapsing with grief as I had not yet taken photos.  I tried to get it off with glazing fluid and everything I could think off and nothing would work.  It was dry.

And then I thought oil paint…turps….and then very carefully tried it.  And it worked.  But took off a few of my own layers as well.  I did do a bit of touch up work on her, but I left her a bit touched by the turps.  I liked it.  I look at her and see her a bit weathered and think of that moment where I was so attached to “perfection” that I screeched at my daughter.  And it is a lesson.  And I prefer her sort of wounded imperfect face.  As it happens.  Sort of shabby and aged is my thing, at the moment anyway.  And so here she is. Feeling very honest and raw and open.

She is crazy mad, and I love her.  She would be a great friend, wise and counselling but able to laugh and enjoy life and who could ask for more?

I adore her but got Suzi-shy and so was hesitant to put myself up, but apart from my stage fright, I cannot say enough to take her class if you are thinking about it.  I first saw her classes and thought they were not really for me.  But I kept seeing her mentioned and went back and kept looking and then saw her Goddess class,  and thought maybe that was for me to try.

Having taken the class…she is so supportive and encouraging but actually critiques work if needed to show how to get better.  And that I loved.  Not that I put my work up.  But take the class.  Even if you thinking maybe not for you, you will get something out of it.  What I really really like is that you get to download the classes.  The classes only open up for a “semester”, but you do have these videos, very detailed wonderful videos, that are then yours to look at, at your leisure without chewing up all your bandwidth.

And she is bringing more classes out all the time.  If I can, I would love to do Mermaids (that is coming in June/July), but money is an issue at the moment so we shall see.

But I started with the Goddess class.  And then I saw the Petite Dolls in a whole new light and so I took that class as well.  And loved it.  They are so different to the Goddess girls but have so much  more meaning in them than I saw.  And they totally turned me on to folk art.  I am not sure what was so jarring at first.  But I love what you can do with them.  And like I said.  Take her class.

I also took her Angels class.  And that was also good.  But I think you need to take the Goddess class and Petite Dolls before you take the other classes.  They are her foundation courses. Angels has portraits and petites and I haven’t finished, though I have done other stuff with the techniques she teaches.

And you get to keep those videos!!!

This has turned into a Suzi fan love fest, but it was originally to show of my blue toned girl.  Sketching a face and then colouring it in with only one tone.  Looking now, I see how far I have come.  One of the things I allowed to hold me back was not having the “correct” Moleskine skecth book (almost impossible to get here in New Zealand!!).  But even when I got that (eventually!) I still found it hard to suck.  having started on this “Art” path what if this was the moment I truely sucked.  Maybe that is why I haven’t shared these girls before, not even with Suzi herself.  But here we go.

Here is Blue toned girl.

I have a poem for her, though it doesn’t “feel” right so for now I am leaving her blank.

The next two cards were made for the Willowing Swap.  She had a theme this month of “House of Love” plus another and here was the result:

“Whare” is Māori for House, and “Aroha” is Māori for Love.

Here is my ATC of a girl holding a balloon.

Here are my other swapbot swaps for May…

This was for the Alphabet make up card.

I chose to make A = Angel

This was for the letter “M”, I chose to make a mask.

This was for the swap “Torn’n'Burnt….I am loving trying new things and am really happy with how this turned out.  Very patchwork like and pieced together and I loved doing it.  One of the advantages of trying new techniques with ATCs is that the small size is not too intimidating I think.  I can try something and if it doesn’t work then that can get filed away for another day.

This was for the Cityscape swap.  I was nervous about this.  I am very new to watercolour, but I saw these in my head and they are very close to what came out.  I hadn’t drawn buildings before and there were a few different buildings sketched and then decisions on what constituted a cityscape, but I love these and would love to get them, and that is my guiding principle before I send anything out so away they went!

The next two, were for Sender’s Choice.

The first one was initially destined for Cityscape, but I thought the buildings were a bit big for a cityscape, but I still loved it so used it for this.

The second one was an experiment from “Torn’n'Burnt” and again, I loved it. So used it.

Busy, Busy Busy.

And it is interesting that these little ideas have sparked some bigger ideas for work, that I may not have come to, or thought of if not extended by the ATC themes.  A good reason to justify I addiction I tell myself!

And I have continued working in my journal.  Or journals!  And reading books that inspire me.  And working on bigger works on canvas.

And. And. And.

One more post down….but still so much more I want to document here that I have been doing.  So I can remember next year where I was and see where I began.

Having now received two 5′s without hearts, I can say the first one, I did feel a little like, oh no she hated it.  And I do suck at this.  I had to reign myself in, and think that no one likes everyone’s art.  And I myself have given no heart ratings and it doesn’t mean I hated the card.  And so lesson learnt.  Don’t get attached to ratings and hearts.  Make art on those ATCs that you would love to receive and then release them, come what may.  Some people will like them, others won’t and that is all okay.  (Though to be honest I am grateful to have had more people love them than not!!!).  I try so hard to let go of all expectations, but funny how some part of me must still be seeking reassurance that I am okay at this, and I am not terrible.  Questions to ponder I guess.

Anyway, on to what this post was meant to be, and less about my ramblings.

This card has been altered slightly in Photoshop, but the only thing done was to blank out the address I put on the envelope, as it was my swap partner’s address, and somehow I don’t think she wants her name and address splashed all about the place!!    Other than that, what you see is what I sent!

This was for the “L” swap, where I chose to do a letter.  I did initially think “Love” but then thought that  a little obvious, and then I got the inspiration for this.

Here are the ATCs I made for the 6 pack swap where the cards all had had to form one unit.  I chose an abstract theme that made all interesting cards but that worked as a whole as well.  It was about the fish hook that is an important symbol in the Māori world and I loved how this looked.  But so so nervous about sending it out.  I suspect I will always feel a bit that way about the work I do.  And I think, furthermore it is a good thing.  It shows I care I think.  And that these cards are important to me.

The next two cards were part of a quote swap.

I love both of the quotes I used.

“God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”. I heard it in a song, and immediately wrote it down.  I think of my beloved when I hear that and the journey I have been on, the things that have happened to me that weren’t great and I think of where I am now and what has led me down this path and I do feel it is blessed.  I was worried about the “God” part because I know some people have an aversion to that word, but I hoped it would be taken in the context in which it was sent, and in which I have always embraced it.

The next quote is one by Picasso.  I found this when I was first discovering “Art” last year and it resonated with me and where I was.  I still think that this is very true for me, and when I have not created, the jumble in my head is certainly much worse!

“Art washes away from the soul the dirt of everyday life”

It isn’t that I don’t aspire to have good pages, but that the process is as important to me as how I get there.  I like how pages develop.

And I have a few pages in particular that transformed quite markedly.  And I find that process fascinating.  Coming back after some time has passed and seeing the pages afresh, seeing new directions that the pages can go in.  Exploring.  Covering.  Testing.  Playing.  It is all a part of life and all a part of my pages.  And so I show all here.  Because otherwise I only record half the story.  And when I look back, I want to see warts and all.  The bits in between that made up this life I am living.  Good, bad and just plain ugly!!

So this painting has become this…..

Very little recognisable, but bits here and there.  Looking at the two, it is hard to believe that one is now this…

And then there was this page, that has now become this…

I like the muted colours and the feeling in this page, though in my head it is not yet finished.

And then this page, transformed into this….

I love this page.  So bright and it speaks to me of my word for the year…”Transform”, so I think this will find it self on to this page at some stage.  But I look back at what these pages were, and what they are now, and I am so glad I recorded the middle steps.  Otherwise they would be completely gone now.  The process was as important as the pages and how they stand they now.  And in all of the pages there are remnants of the previous layers.  Little clues that there is more hidden beneath the surface than one might suspect.  And it speaks to me of my own art journey and the stages I am going through, playing and experimenting.  Finding my voice.